Towards Life!

They tell us to pack your stuff, leave the past behind and move on. To my mind, that doesn’t take into account the most difficult part of the process. The ‘pack your stuff’ part. Yes, that’s the one.

*

The moment I put down the phone, I knew things were going to be messed up.

I knew I was wrong, and I had tried to defend it for long.

What was I defending?

I know. My confused mind, numb with greed, guilt and jealousy. Something that should not be defended. Something that should be smashed into pieces. With your own bare hands.

I didn’t. I was addicted to it. I was playing the same melodrama my mindless mind was making me play over and over and over again.

Everyday of my existence was defying the one thing I believed in - to not be one of those who live their lives in others eyes & minds. In their eyes of acceptance. In their nods of approval.

I felt the pinch now, as a flood of memories rattled in the vacuous corridors of my brain.

I could have and should have smashed the big bowl of inconsistency – my mind. But I didn’t. I gave in. I caved.

By 12.30 that night, and the fourth phone call, the bowl was filled with more filth than it had ever carried.

At 12.35, it exploded.

I didn’t say or do much that night. I felt empty. Broken.

The next day, I tried to pick up the pieces of my life from the strewn filth with heavy breaths of penance. And the next day. And the next day.

A month later I gave up trying and started smashing the bowl whenever it even showed signs of piling filth.

Every single day when I think back, there are these fleeting moments when I think of what my life could have been. And then I wonder... Was it worth it at all?

*

Nijam cheppe dhairyam leni vaadiki abaddham cheppe hakku ledu. Nijam cheppaka povadam abaddham. Abaddhanni nijam cheyyalanukovadam mosam. (One who doesn’t have the courage to tell the truth doesn’t have the right to lie. To lie is to hide the truth. Trying to make a lie the truth, is betrayal.) - From the Telugu movie, Athadu